Junior High Language Arts

I have not posted in quite some time due to starting a new job, teaching junior high language arts. During this time, I have had more blog-worthy experiences than I care to remember. I thought I would share a few with you today.

During my second week of teaching at this school, a student opened my door at lunch time (without showing him/her-self) and yelled "F%*# You!" At that moment I knew that I had finally made it.

While filming myself teaching for a college course I am currently taking online, a student held up a piece of paper over the camera screen that had another student's name and a hand-drawn picture of male genitalia. I discovered this as I was previewing the video right before I uploaded it for my professor to see. I may have made some minor edits before sending it along.

I had a student write in his bellwork "My favorite book is..." then there was some blank space, then: "The time I slept with your mom." I just filed that one away for a rainy day (always good to build up a case file).

No One Sleeps on My Watch!

Today, I was teaching a math class at the high school and the students were working in groups on their papers (except for the group of boys in the back tossing a waterbottle around like a hacky sack). I had gotten distracted for awhile talking to some students in the front of class about the evils of slave trafficking in the USA, and I think some of the students noticed that I was not paying attention to the rest of the class, because halfway through class, I noticed that two boys had their heads down on their desks and appeared to be asleep. At first I was just going to ignore them and let them take a power nap, but then I decided to have some fun. At this point, I said very loudly to the whole class from the front of the room “Quiet down everyone, quiet down” (class gets real quiet) “be courteous, we have a couple students who are trying to take a nap and I don't want to wake them.” The whole class started laughing and the two sleeping boys groggily sat up and realized they were the butt of the joke.

Quotes of the day: 

“Mr. Miller, you have the perfect face, it is seriously perfectly symmetrical when you smile.” -10^th grade boy

“Are you Mormon?” -student

“Just because a person wears a tie does not mean they are Mormon” -Me addressing the entire class after the third time I had been asked if I was Mormon that day

Happy Valentines Day

I must say that I wish I had been at an elementary school today. As I remember it, Valentines Day in elementary school is a gold-mine! The candy and cards flow freely to all and the teachers are given tons of gigantic candy bars.

Oh well, high school can be nice too. For instance, I was given an apple last week. I never feel too confident about the quality/safety of apples that kids give to their teachers. That's why I usually let my wife eat the apple.

Today I did end up getting a REESE'S Peanut Butter Cup from a girl in the front row of AP English. I think she felt sorry for me that her class was being so rude and mean to me, the sub (shocker: kids can be rude and mean). Really, I don't care what her motivation was, I love REESE'S! I did do the polite thing and went to my desk in the back of the room to eat it instead of eating right there in the front of class.  Even a kind gesture like that did not keep me from writing down a handful of students' names to leave for the teacher so she would discipline them (sadly, this is about the extent of my power).

Question for my readers:

What was your worst Valentine's day ever when you were growing up?

You Want to Do WHAT?!?!

I had a great easy morning today! I subbed for a high school biology class all morning and just showed a NOVA video on dog breeding (narrated by one of my favorite actors: John Lithgow!). I watched the whole video during my first class and then read a book during the next classes while the students watched the video. Easy, but also uneventful...

Now after lunch, I moved to a different class: freshman chemistry. This was anything but uneventful. I was on a constant patrol, walking past every desk the entire class periods, keeping the students on task. For some reason, freshman are incredibly distracted. I had a couple of interesting conversations with various students as I walked about. One girl told me that she wanted to just eat bread and drink water for 40 days for lent. I tried talking her into adding a protein shake to her diet, but she was very adamant that it should be just bread and water. Regretfully, I did not have the heart to tell her that lent started today (she was eating a candy bar). 

A little bit later I walked by a group of three girls that were doing a poor job of pretending to be working on there assignment (they giggled every time I walked by and had really guilty looks on their faces). As I walked in front of the group, one of the girls looked up right at me and said with full conviction, "And I want to do YOUR makeup too!" I have to say that I was a little surprised, which is pretty funny that kids can still catch me off my guard even after 87 sub assignments this year (today was 88). 

Finally, today's post will end with a quote from a student, talking to their teacher who showed up at the end of class: "He's a really nice sub! All our other subs are mean... and he made us do our work too, he walked around the room checking on us the whole class!"

I think this quote is the best reference I could ask for. I try to be kind and make sure the students are doing what they are supposed to be doing. Today was a success!

I Have to Go Potty!

Many people do not realize the bathroom situation in schools these days. First of all, staff are not allowed to use the student bathrooms. This would be fine except that the staff restrooms require a key to open them and there have been many times when I, as a sub, was not given a key. This has led to some very painful "holding it" for entire school days. 

Even when you do have proper access to the loo, you can only go during a prep period or lunch. The only way out of this is to find another teacher to cover your class while you take your crap. Unless I luck out and have a classroom with an adjoining door to the room next door, a simple 30 second pee break that would remove all pain from my bladder becomes mission impossible. 

Also, the staff restrooms are not always easy to find. They are in a different spot in every school and in some cases, it would be easier to discover the Goblet of Fire inside the labyrinth than discover the hidden location of the toilet. They could be in the hallway, staff workroom, computer lab, or even a random classroom that used to be the teachers lounge years ago but is now used for special ed...). There is one school in my district that I seriously have no clue where the staff restroom is. Seriously!

On top of all that, elementary schools are not male-friendly. Half the time that I find a staff restroom, it is only for women, so I have to keep looking. They do not have a men's room in any of the elementary schools in my district. What they do have is a male/female one-holer in a room the size of a closet. Because of this, I look forward to working in the high schools because (if they give me a key) there is a proper men's restroom. It is a hard life being a male sub in a world made for women. 

I can't wait for the arrival of my portable urinal that I ordered from ebay to come in the mail...

Share about a time when you really had to go to the restroom but it was not appropriate/allowed to do so.

Love at "First" Sight

A note that I intercepted from a first grade boy addressed to a girl in his class.

Happy Valentines Day

Farts and Frogs

I am not sure what they are teaching first graders these days, but I know it is not the basic common sense things that they should be learning. I have two examples of the complete lack of common sense in these younger grades.

First, I had to teach a group of first grade girls an incredibly important lesson. It all started when one girl accidentally farted and the whole group (including the guilty party) began laughing uncontrollably. The one who dealt it, decided that she wanted to make everyone laugh again so she started trying to fart, and the other girls in the group were trying to push a fart out as well, because of course they wanted to be funny too. As any sane person could see, this was not headed in a good direction. I kindly explained to the group of first grade girls that they should not try to push a fart out because sometimes poop comes out instead. They were shocked and gave me one of those looks, like I had just opened their eyes to a world they never knew existed. Thankfully after that revelation, they ceased fire on the fart front and went on to another activity.

The second instance of a lack of social etiquette involves a scene that I walked past in the hallway yesterday. A teacher had taken a little boy out of class and was chewing him out screaming,

“Why were you crawling around the room like a frog?!! I don't care what you do at home, but when you are here you will follow along with the lesson.”

What advice would I give to this kid: push a fart out quick and use the distraction to hop to safety!