Happy Valentines Day

I must say that I wish I had been at an elementary school today. As I remember it, Valentines Day in elementary school is a gold-mine! The candy and cards flow freely to all and the teachers are given tons of gigantic candy bars.

Oh well, high school can be nice too. For instance, I was given an apple last week. I never feel too confident about the quality/safety of apples that kids give to their teachers. That's why I usually let my wife eat the apple.

Today I did end up getting a REESE'S Peanut Butter Cup from a girl in the front row of AP English. I think she felt sorry for me that her class was being so rude and mean to me, the sub (shocker: kids can be rude and mean). Really, I don't care what her motivation was, I love REESE'S! I did do the polite thing and went to my desk in the back of the room to eat it instead of eating right there in the front of class.  Even a kind gesture like that did not keep me from writing down a handful of students' names to leave for the teacher so she would discipline them (sadly, this is about the extent of my power).

Question for my readers:

What was your worst Valentine's day ever when you were growing up?

You Want to Do WHAT?!?!

I had a great easy morning today! I subbed for a high school biology class all morning and just showed a NOVA video on dog breeding (narrated by one of my favorite actors: John Lithgow!). I watched the whole video during my first class and then read a book during the next classes while the students watched the video. Easy, but also uneventful...

Now after lunch, I moved to a different class: freshman chemistry. This was anything but uneventful. I was on a constant patrol, walking past every desk the entire class periods, keeping the students on task. For some reason, freshman are incredibly distracted. I had a couple of interesting conversations with various students as I walked about. One girl told me that she wanted to just eat bread and drink water for 40 days for lent. I tried talking her into adding a protein shake to her diet, but she was very adamant that it should be just bread and water. Regretfully, I did not have the heart to tell her that lent started today (she was eating a candy bar). 

A little bit later I walked by a group of three girls that were doing a poor job of pretending to be working on there assignment (they giggled every time I walked by and had really guilty looks on their faces). As I walked in front of the group, one of the girls looked up right at me and said with full conviction, "And I want to do YOUR makeup too!" I have to say that I was a little surprised, which is pretty funny that kids can still catch me off my guard even after 87 sub assignments this year (today was 88). 

Finally, today's post will end with a quote from a student, talking to their teacher who showed up at the end of class: "He's a really nice sub! All our other subs are mean... and he made us do our work too, he walked around the room checking on us the whole class!"

I think this quote is the best reference I could ask for. I try to be kind and make sure the students are doing what they are supposed to be doing. Today was a success!

I Have to Go Potty!

Many people do not realize the bathroom situation in schools these days. First of all, staff are not allowed to use the student bathrooms. This would be fine except that the staff restrooms require a key to open them and there have been many times when I, as a sub, was not given a key. This has led to some very painful "holding it" for entire school days. 

Even when you do have proper access to the loo, you can only go during a prep period or lunch. The only way out of this is to find another teacher to cover your class while you take your crap. Unless I luck out and have a classroom with an adjoining door to the room next door, a simple 30 second pee break that would remove all pain from my bladder becomes mission impossible. 

Also, the staff restrooms are not always easy to find. They are in a different spot in every school and in some cases, it would be easier to discover the Goblet of Fire inside the labyrinth than discover the hidden location of the toilet. They could be in the hallway, staff workroom, computer lab, or even a random classroom that used to be the teachers lounge years ago but is now used for special ed...). There is one school in my district that I seriously have no clue where the staff restroom is. Seriously!

On top of all that, elementary schools are not male-friendly. Half the time that I find a staff restroom, it is only for women, so I have to keep looking. They do not have a men's room in any of the elementary schools in my district. What they do have is a male/female one-holer in a room the size of a closet. Because of this, I look forward to working in the high schools because (if they give me a key) there is a proper men's restroom. It is a hard life being a male sub in a world made for women. 

I can't wait for the arrival of my portable urinal that I ordered from ebay to come in the mail...

Share about a time when you really had to go to the restroom but it was not appropriate/allowed to do so.

Love at "First" Sight

A note that I intercepted from a first grade boy addressed to a girl in his class.

Happy Valentines Day

Farts and Frogs

I am not sure what they are teaching first graders these days, but I know it is not the basic common sense things that they should be learning. I have two examples of the complete lack of common sense in these younger grades.

First, I had to teach a group of first grade girls an incredibly important lesson. It all started when one girl accidentally farted and the whole group (including the guilty party) began laughing uncontrollably. The one who dealt it, decided that she wanted to make everyone laugh again so she started trying to fart, and the other girls in the group were trying to push a fart out as well, because of course they wanted to be funny too. As any sane person could see, this was not headed in a good direction. I kindly explained to the group of first grade girls that they should not try to push a fart out because sometimes poop comes out instead. They were shocked and gave me one of those looks, like I had just opened their eyes to a world they never knew existed. Thankfully after that revelation, they ceased fire on the fart front and went on to another activity.

The second instance of a lack of social etiquette involves a scene that I walked past in the hallway yesterday. A teacher had taken a little boy out of class and was chewing him out screaming,

“Why were you crawling around the room like a frog?!! I don't care what you do at home, but when you are here you will follow along with the lesson.”

What advice would I give to this kid: push a fart out quick and use the distraction to hop to safety!

Apparently I'm a sub for the Air Force...

I was not sure what to expect when I showed up to the local high school this morning to sub for Air Force JROTC (Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps). Having never been in the Air Force, I was not sure how well I would be to instruct this different class.

When the kids came in, I was happily surprised. The "class leadership" (kids who were in charge) started taking roll, got the class completely quiet and then turned it over to me. I have actually never seen more responsible teenagers. As a group, each class was very well disciplined and they kept each other in line, doing what they were supposed to. When I spoke, they did not make a peep. When they asked to go to the restroom they stood at attention and said "Sir, may I use the restroom."

I was sure that I had stepped into some weird version of The Twilight Zone. Kids, just are not that well behaved in school... at least not the normal kids I teach. Perhaps the JROTC teacher should be giving classroom management seminars to the rest of the teachers in the district. My favorite part of the day was when a whole platoon standing in formation saluted me. That is definitely a first for me as a sub.

A First Grade Surprise

Against my better judgement, I subbed for the first grade today  (as a favor to a friend). I had subbed for this same class last semester and a kid stole my candy bar off my desk and I found it later, slightly opened in his book box, so I may have been holding a little grudge against the class. Thankfully the class was on extra good behavior today which made the day amazing, but that isn't much to blog about. 

Here are the two blog-worthy things that happened today. 

1) A kid asking to go to the bathroom shortly after the class bathroom break said this:

"When we went to the bathroom it wouldn't come out, but now it needs to come out!"

2) I found this note on the floor of the class. A note from one of the little boys to another boy... pretty funny! 

Swearing at a Class of 4th Graders

Let me begin by saying that it takes a very patient person to be a substitute teacher. Without this quality, bad things would happen. For instance, when I was subbing for the 4th grade this week, the kids told me some very disturbing news. They said that their last sub got so angry that he was shouting swear words at them. One brave girl, told the principal. The principal promptly fired the mean sub and all the children lived happily ever after (remember this was told to me by the 4th grader). I was disappointed, but not surprised to hear that one of my colleagues lost it in front of the class. It is definitely hard to keep your cool in many situations that come up as a sub, but the minute you cross the line and start swearing at a class, you will never recover.

I told the class that I was sorry they had to go through that experience and that I would show them complete respect all day long. Now, this was the class that drove the other sub over the line, so I was expecting a hard day. The kids were overly chatty and at times psycho, so I ended up having to write seven kids' names down for the teacher, who I later found out gave those students recess detention for the entire next week. But, never once did I lose my temper. What is the secret, you might ask. Whenever I start to get stressed out, I take a step back and take in a deep breath and breathe out all my troubles, telling myself that I just need to get to the end of the day and it will all be over. Most days are great, but every once and awhile, I get a bad class, so I am on my guard to not lose it and be the next teacher to get fired for swearing at the class.

Marketing and Adultery

Several weeks ago, I had the most unusual conversation with a marketing student at the high school I was subbing at. Mark was a junior, 4.0 GPA, and already had his life planned out. He told me that he planned on earning a degree in business and becoming very rich through the stock market. He also said that he wanted to get married in his early twenties and have a son that he would name after himself. Then, after being married for five years or so, he would most likely get bored with being married and his wife would always be nagging him, and so he would have to have an affair with another women. He told me that it would probably be with his secretary or an intern, but if that didn't work out, he would go to a prostitute.

I was sitting there in shock as he told me his plans for the future. I asked him if he even had a moral compass, knowing right from wrong. He assured me that he did, but he could turn it off when he wanted to in order to do what he wanted. I told him that his wife would leave him, but he didn't seem to mind. He liked the idea of being single with a son. I told him he was crazy if he thought his son would want to live with him after he cheated on his wife. I gave him many more reasons as to why his plans for adultery were gearing him up to be a failure at life, but I never felt like I got through to him. Sadly, I believe he was very serious about his plans, and I fear he will do much more damage to the world (through seeking money and sex) instead of making it a better place.

First is the Worst!

I have had two near death experiences in my life and both happened in the past 2 months and both were in a first grade classroom. I do not believe that all first grade classes are inherently full of evil little monsters. My guess is the majority of the classes are, but there are always exceptions to the rule.

Perhaps near death was a bit extreme of a description, but after a day subbing for these classes, I felt like dying (anything to never have to step foot in either of those classrooms again).

The thing that first graders tend to do is not listen to their teacher at all. I know this because in two different first grade classes in two different schools, the same psycho kids showed up to class. The first class was like being in a barnyard. In fact, since one kid actually did poop his pants that day, so it smelled like a barnyard too! Neither class showed any semblance of kindness to their peers, and I had to break up countless verbal and physical fights. I had kids throwing handfuls of pencils at other kids, many many many crying children.

A lot more happened, including the principal coming into the class to scold them on how disappointed she was in them and how they let down the school as a whole. The main point is that first graders can be evil. Watch your back America!

I'm subbing in first grade on Monday (but it is a friend of mine's class, and the kids aren't so bad). Wish me luck!