Junior High Language Arts

I have not posted in quite some time due to starting a new job, teaching junior high language arts. During this time, I have had more blog-worthy experiences than I care to remember. I thought I would share a few with you today.

During my second week of teaching at this school, a student opened my door at lunch time (without showing him/her-self) and yelled "F%*# You!" At that moment I knew that I had finally made it.

While filming myself teaching for a college course I am currently taking online, a student held up a piece of paper over the camera screen that had another student's name and a hand-drawn picture of male genitalia. I discovered this as I was previewing the video right before I uploaded it for my professor to see. I may have made some minor edits before sending it along.

I had a student write in his bellwork "My favorite book is..." then there was some blank space, then: "The time I slept with your mom." I just filed that one away for a rainy day (always good to build up a case file).

No One Sleeps on My Watch!

Today, I was teaching a math class at the high school and the students were working in groups on their papers (except for the group of boys in the back tossing a waterbottle around like a hacky sack). I had gotten distracted for awhile talking to some students in the front of class about the evils of slave trafficking in the USA, and I think some of the students noticed that I was not paying attention to the rest of the class, because halfway through class, I noticed that two boys had their heads down on their desks and appeared to be asleep. At first I was just going to ignore them and let them take a power nap, but then I decided to have some fun. At this point, I said very loudly to the whole class from the front of the room “Quiet down everyone, quiet down” (class gets real quiet) “be courteous, we have a couple students who are trying to take a nap and I don't want to wake them.” The whole class started laughing and the two sleeping boys groggily sat up and realized they were the butt of the joke.

Quotes of the day: 

“Mr. Miller, you have the perfect face, it is seriously perfectly symmetrical when you smile.” -10^th grade boy

“Are you Mormon?” -student

“Just because a person wears a tie does not mean they are Mormon” -Me addressing the entire class after the third time I had been asked if I was Mormon that day

Happy Valentines Day

I must say that I wish I had been at an elementary school today. As I remember it, Valentines Day in elementary school is a gold-mine! The candy and cards flow freely to all and the teachers are given tons of gigantic candy bars.

Oh well, high school can be nice too. For instance, I was given an apple last week. I never feel too confident about the quality/safety of apples that kids give to their teachers. That's why I usually let my wife eat the apple.

Today I did end up getting a REESE'S Peanut Butter Cup from a girl in the front row of AP English. I think she felt sorry for me that her class was being so rude and mean to me, the sub (shocker: kids can be rude and mean). Really, I don't care what her motivation was, I love REESE'S! I did do the polite thing and went to my desk in the back of the room to eat it instead of eating right there in the front of class.  Even a kind gesture like that did not keep me from writing down a handful of students' names to leave for the teacher so she would discipline them (sadly, this is about the extent of my power).

Question for my readers:

What was your worst Valentine's day ever when you were growing up?

You Want to Do WHAT?!?!

I had a great easy morning today! I subbed for a high school biology class all morning and just showed a NOVA video on dog breeding (narrated by one of my favorite actors: John Lithgow!). I watched the whole video during my first class and then read a book during the next classes while the students watched the video. Easy, but also uneventful...

Now after lunch, I moved to a different class: freshman chemistry. This was anything but uneventful. I was on a constant patrol, walking past every desk the entire class periods, keeping the students on task. For some reason, freshman are incredibly distracted. I had a couple of interesting conversations with various students as I walked about. One girl told me that she wanted to just eat bread and drink water for 40 days for lent. I tried talking her into adding a protein shake to her diet, but she was very adamant that it should be just bread and water. Regretfully, I did not have the heart to tell her that lent started today (she was eating a candy bar). 

A little bit later I walked by a group of three girls that were doing a poor job of pretending to be working on there assignment (they giggled every time I walked by and had really guilty looks on their faces). As I walked in front of the group, one of the girls looked up right at me and said with full conviction, "And I want to do YOUR makeup too!" I have to say that I was a little surprised, which is pretty funny that kids can still catch me off my guard even after 87 sub assignments this year (today was 88). 

Finally, today's post will end with a quote from a student, talking to their teacher who showed up at the end of class: "He's a really nice sub! All our other subs are mean... and he made us do our work too, he walked around the room checking on us the whole class!"

I think this quote is the best reference I could ask for. I try to be kind and make sure the students are doing what they are supposed to be doing. Today was a success!

I Have to Go Potty!

Many people do not realize the bathroom situation in schools these days. First of all, staff are not allowed to use the student bathrooms. This would be fine except that the staff restrooms require a key to open them and there have been many times when I, as a sub, was not given a key. This has led to some very painful "holding it" for entire school days. 

Even when you do have proper access to the loo, you can only go during a prep period or lunch. The only way out of this is to find another teacher to cover your class while you take your crap. Unless I luck out and have a classroom with an adjoining door to the room next door, a simple 30 second pee break that would remove all pain from my bladder becomes mission impossible. 

Also, the staff restrooms are not always easy to find. They are in a different spot in every school and in some cases, it would be easier to discover the Goblet of Fire inside the labyrinth than discover the hidden location of the toilet. They could be in the hallway, staff workroom, computer lab, or even a random classroom that used to be the teachers lounge years ago but is now used for special ed...). There is one school in my district that I seriously have no clue where the staff restroom is. Seriously!

On top of all that, elementary schools are not male-friendly. Half the time that I find a staff restroom, it is only for women, so I have to keep looking. They do not have a men's room in any of the elementary schools in my district. What they do have is a male/female one-holer in a room the size of a closet. Because of this, I look forward to working in the high schools because (if they give me a key) there is a proper men's restroom. It is a hard life being a male sub in a world made for women. 

I can't wait for the arrival of my portable urinal that I ordered from ebay to come in the mail...

Share about a time when you really had to go to the restroom but it was not appropriate/allowed to do so.

Love at "First" Sight

A note that I intercepted from a first grade boy addressed to a girl in his class.

Happy Valentines Day

Farts and Frogs

I am not sure what they are teaching first graders these days, but I know it is not the basic common sense things that they should be learning. I have two examples of the complete lack of common sense in these younger grades.

First, I had to teach a group of first grade girls an incredibly important lesson. It all started when one girl accidentally farted and the whole group (including the guilty party) began laughing uncontrollably. The one who dealt it, decided that she wanted to make everyone laugh again so she started trying to fart, and the other girls in the group were trying to push a fart out as well, because of course they wanted to be funny too. As any sane person could see, this was not headed in a good direction. I kindly explained to the group of first grade girls that they should not try to push a fart out because sometimes poop comes out instead. They were shocked and gave me one of those looks, like I had just opened their eyes to a world they never knew existed. Thankfully after that revelation, they ceased fire on the fart front and went on to another activity.

The second instance of a lack of social etiquette involves a scene that I walked past in the hallway yesterday. A teacher had taken a little boy out of class and was chewing him out screaming,

“Why were you crawling around the room like a frog?!! I don't care what you do at home, but when you are here you will follow along with the lesson.”

What advice would I give to this kid: push a fart out quick and use the distraction to hop to safety!

Apparently I'm a sub for the Air Force...

I was not sure what to expect when I showed up to the local high school this morning to sub for Air Force JROTC (Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps). Having never been in the Air Force, I was not sure how well I would be to instruct this different class.

When the kids came in, I was happily surprised. The "class leadership" (kids who were in charge) started taking roll, got the class completely quiet and then turned it over to me. I have actually never seen more responsible teenagers. As a group, each class was very well disciplined and they kept each other in line, doing what they were supposed to. When I spoke, they did not make a peep. When they asked to go to the restroom they stood at attention and said "Sir, may I use the restroom."

I was sure that I had stepped into some weird version of The Twilight Zone. Kids, just are not that well behaved in school... at least not the normal kids I teach. Perhaps the JROTC teacher should be giving classroom management seminars to the rest of the teachers in the district. My favorite part of the day was when a whole platoon standing in formation saluted me. That is definitely a first for me as a sub.

A First Grade Surprise

Against my better judgement, I subbed for the first grade today  (as a favor to a friend). I had subbed for this same class last semester and a kid stole my candy bar off my desk and I found it later, slightly opened in his book box, so I may have been holding a little grudge against the class. Thankfully the class was on extra good behavior today which made the day amazing, but that isn't much to blog about. 

Here are the two blog-worthy things that happened today. 

1) A kid asking to go to the bathroom shortly after the class bathroom break said this:

"When we went to the bathroom it wouldn't come out, but now it needs to come out!"

2) I found this note on the floor of the class. A note from one of the little boys to another boy... pretty funny! 

Swearing at a Class of 4th Graders

Let me begin by saying that it takes a very patient person to be a substitute teacher. Without this quality, bad things would happen. For instance, when I was subbing for the 4th grade this week, the kids told me some very disturbing news. They said that their last sub got so angry that he was shouting swear words at them. One brave girl, told the principal. The principal promptly fired the mean sub and all the children lived happily ever after (remember this was told to me by the 4th grader). I was disappointed, but not surprised to hear that one of my colleagues lost it in front of the class. It is definitely hard to keep your cool in many situations that come up as a sub, but the minute you cross the line and start swearing at a class, you will never recover.

I told the class that I was sorry they had to go through that experience and that I would show them complete respect all day long. Now, this was the class that drove the other sub over the line, so I was expecting a hard day. The kids were overly chatty and at times psycho, so I ended up having to write seven kids' names down for the teacher, who I later found out gave those students recess detention for the entire next week. But, never once did I lose my temper. What is the secret, you might ask. Whenever I start to get stressed out, I take a step back and take in a deep breath and breathe out all my troubles, telling myself that I just need to get to the end of the day and it will all be over. Most days are great, but every once and awhile, I get a bad class, so I am on my guard to not lose it and be the next teacher to get fired for swearing at the class.

Marketing and Adultery

Several weeks ago, I had the most unusual conversation with a marketing student at the high school I was subbing at. Mark was a junior, 4.0 GPA, and already had his life planned out. He told me that he planned on earning a degree in business and becoming very rich through the stock market. He also said that he wanted to get married in his early twenties and have a son that he would name after himself. Then, after being married for five years or so, he would most likely get bored with being married and his wife would always be nagging him, and so he would have to have an affair with another women. He told me that it would probably be with his secretary or an intern, but if that didn't work out, he would go to a prostitute.

I was sitting there in shock as he told me his plans for the future. I asked him if he even had a moral compass, knowing right from wrong. He assured me that he did, but he could turn it off when he wanted to in order to do what he wanted. I told him that his wife would leave him, but he didn't seem to mind. He liked the idea of being single with a son. I told him he was crazy if he thought his son would want to live with him after he cheated on his wife. I gave him many more reasons as to why his plans for adultery were gearing him up to be a failure at life, but I never felt like I got through to him. Sadly, I believe he was very serious about his plans, and I fear he will do much more damage to the world (through seeking money and sex) instead of making it a better place.

First is the Worst!

I have had two near death experiences in my life and both happened in the past 2 months and both were in a first grade classroom. I do not believe that all first grade classes are inherently full of evil little monsters. My guess is the majority of the classes are, but there are always exceptions to the rule.

Perhaps near death was a bit extreme of a description, but after a day subbing for these classes, I felt like dying (anything to never have to step foot in either of those classrooms again).

The thing that first graders tend to do is not listen to their teacher at all. I know this because in two different first grade classes in two different schools, the same psycho kids showed up to class. The first class was like being in a barnyard. In fact, since one kid actually did poop his pants that day, so it smelled like a barnyard too! Neither class showed any semblance of kindness to their peers, and I had to break up countless verbal and physical fights. I had kids throwing handfuls of pencils at other kids, many many many crying children.

A lot more happened, including the principal coming into the class to scold them on how disappointed she was in them and how they let down the school as a whole. The main point is that first graders can be evil. Watch your back America!

I'm subbing in first grade on Monday (but it is a friend of mine's class, and the kids aren't so bad). Wish me luck!

Oops, Did I Say That?

Sometimes I wonder if the kids are even listening to me when I talk. I am pretty sure this is a common question in many teachers' heads. Luckily for me, all my doubts about how well my classes listen were proven wrong one day last month...

Sometimes, I say things to a class that a little off-the-wall. This particular day, I happened to insinuate to a class (fifth or sixth grade I think) that I lived at the nearby park with my wife and son. I believe my exact words were, "I am a hobo, and I live at Freedom Park down the street."

Now I am sure most kids knew I was joking, because they were laughing (which is the reason I said it), but about a month later, I was at that school again and walking a class down the hall, when a kid yelled at me from the end of the hall, "Hey! You're the guy that lives in the park!"
I smiled an waved, laughing to myself at how gullible kids are.

I guess I better be more careful in the future as to what I tell my classes...

What is the craziest thing you ever told a kid?

Recess Tetherball: We Meet Again!

When I was in elementary school, tetherball was my game. I played it everyday at recess and became quite good. I loved it so much that my parents put in a tetherball court in our backyard for my 13th birthday. All this to say that I am no amateur when it comes to the wonderful game of tetherball.

Yesterday, I took my third grade class out to recess and I was challenged by one of the little girls to a game of tetherball. I accepted, knowing that I would have to take it easy on the girl. After playing for a few minutes, I realized that if I did not step up my game, I was going to lose... quickly. So I let my notions of "taking it easy" go to the wind and I stepped up my game to a whole new level, holding nothing back. I hit the ball hard and used my height as an advantage (I was at least two feet taller than the little girl). The sad thing was that with all my advantages, it seemed that it was still a toss up as to who would win this game. I knew in my heart of hearts that I could not, under any circumstances, lose at MY game to a third grade little girl, so I gave it everything I had and finally hit the ball so hard and at the perfect angle to wrap around the pole high above the girl's reach. Perhaps this was a dirty way to win the game, but I had to do something; my honor was on the line. Right after I creamed the little girl, another girl challenged me to play against her. By this time, my energy was just about gone (apparently it takes a lot of talent to beat a kid in tetherball these days).  I told this new contender that I had to supervise the other kids at recess, so I wouldn't be able to play her. This quick thinking probably saved me from what could have been the most embarrassing moment of my life.


Share about a time you were beaten at your own game.

The British are coming! The British are coming!

Several months ago, I was subbing for seventh grade math. As I was passing out papers, a girl raised her hand and asked to go to the bathroom... in an English accent. I let her go, but while she was gone, I wondered if she had pulled a fast one on me and was not actually from England. Just in case, I listened to her the rest of the class and tried to catch her using the wrong accent, but her voice sounded just like the characters in Doctor Who, Robin Hood, Sherlock and Downton Abbey (all the BBC shows I watch), so by the end of the class I was convinced that she was in fact English. But then as she left, her charade fell to shreds as I overheard her talking to her friends in a normal American accent. I will admit that I had been fooled, but at the same time I was truly impressed that a 13 year old girl would have the guts to talk in a fake voice to a teacher, and that she got away with it.

Today, I was reminded of this story when a seventh grade girl at a different school was talking to me in an English accent. Don't worry, I was not fooled again. I just smiled to myself, knowing that she was a fraud, and that I knew her secret.

What was the craziest thing you ever said to a teacher?

Shame on you!

Today was a great day teaching sixth grade English. To start with, the writing prompt for the bellwork was “The car was speeding” and one student (who shared aloud to the class) ended up writing a basic plot line of the movie Back to the Future. I'm not sure whether to congratulate him or fail him for plagiarism. Either way, it was pretty funny.

Now most kids work on exactly what they are supposed to while having little conversations here and there and the occasional reminder from the teacher to get back on task. I do not mind this at all, but there is another type of student. This student sits there and talks and does not put one word on the assignment he or she is supposed to be working on. It just so happens that I had four of these students in my fifth hour today. When I realized 45 minutes into class that they had neglected to begin the worksheet, I announced to the class,

“For those of you who have nothing written down on your worksheet, shame on you... in fact, shame upon your families and shame upon your children and your children's children!”

One boy was a little shocked to hear that and started screaming “Whoa Whoa Whoa, you can't put shame on me!”

To which I cordially replied, “I'm just proclaiming the shame, you are the ones who brought it upon yourself. Now do your work.”

Welcome to Hell

I was subbing for senior English at the high school. I am not always sure where my inspiration comes from (perhaps too many caffeinated beverages), but this particular day, I was in the zone (you can decide if that is a good thing). I started my final class of the day with, “Hello, my name is Mr. Miller. Welcome to Hell” (completely stern face), then I cracked a smile and the whole class broke out in laughter. I handed out the assignment, which was a 50 question worksheet with questions about William Shakespeare. After awhile, students started asking me for answers to some of the questions they were having trouble with, and instead of just telling them that I was not allowed to give them the answers, I made up really absurd answers and announced them to the class. One question was, who was the greatest script writer of Shakespeare's day, and I told the class it was Walt Disney. I also announced to the class the answer to number 50, What is Iambic Pentameter? “A rare flesh eating disease.” I thought I was hilarious and then I realized that a number of the slacker students were writing down each thing I said as their answer. I decided not to let them in on the joke and have their teacher fill them in when he returned.

Quote of the day from today: “Wow Mr. Miller, you know everything!” - delusional 2^nd grader

Question of the Day:

What was the craziest thing a teacher ever did in one of your classes growing up?

A Whole Class Swearing at the Teacher

This one is a doozy! I was subbing for high school pottery class (not something I would recommend in retrospect), and it was second period and I was reading through the attendance lists for the rest of my classes for that day. At the start of every class period, I have to take attendance for the class by calling out each student's name. This would be fine, except that the names parents are giving kids these days are not always easy to pronounce. Therefore, a good look through early in the day gives me time to decide how I will read their name during roll call. Well as I read through the names for the classes after lunch, there was one name that I could not figure out what to do with, because everything I learned from school and Hooked on Phonics was telling me that the correct pronunciation of this young person's name sounded exactly like the F-word.  I texted several friends during lunch for advice on how to deal with the coming storm, and most of them just laughed in disbelief at how weird of a situation this was.  When it came to it, I decided that I could not read this name out loud. Not only is it against school rules for teachers to swear in class (let alone, the most offensive swear word there is in the English language- poor kid), but I also am very uncomfortable swearing in the first place. So when I came to this person on the roster, I said, "I'm probably going to butcher this pronunciation, so I'll just spell it out." Then all the kids in the class started saying things like, "Oh, that's F***"; "F***, F***, F***." and I really couldn't get them in trouble for saying someone's name, but it was very awkward for me. It ended up that the student was from another country where his name is quite common. Also, I found out later in the day, during a different class, that he went by Charles (funny how he neglected to mention that during class). If I have him in class again, I'm just going to say Charles.

Join this story by posting a comment of the most unusual name you have heard (in school or anywhere else that people with crazy names are traveling about). Post the name and where you met this person.

Funny Posters

For your Sunday viewing pleasure, I present to you some funny posters that I found on the wall of one of the high schools that I sub at.

The next two pictures are caricatures that two students made of their principles the day I subbed for an art class:  

How to be Cool in School

As a substitute teacher, I often am looking for ways to make the students in the class to like me (or perhaps to even begin to grasp the wonder of my greatness). The problem is that my main goal is always to maintain a disciplined class and follow the instructions left for me by the teacher. As you might think, these objectives butt heads with wanting to be the cool sub. After a month of being a sub, I hatched a plan that has brought me from being a sub that most kids like to being the:

“Best sub I have ever had in my life” -real student

Here is my ultimate get cool quick scheme: Almost every class I have at the elementary level (65% of all subbing I do is in elementary) has extra time in the day that the kids have nothing to do. This is due to the fact that you can't know exactly how long each lesson is going to take for a class, so teachers usually plan in some wiggle room. By the end of the day, I usually have anywhere from 5-20 minutes, so instead of just giving them extra time to read, I have started telling the class the story of my two times going through the gas chamber during Army training (the second time, I went in without a gas mask and did pushups). I can tell the story anywhere between five and 15 minutes, and it always gets an applause at the end and many hands raised to ask questions; though my favorite part of all is the look of awe on their faces, letting me know that they think I am one of the most interesting people they have ever met. In fact, a student told me several weeks ago,

“I'm not sure you are the best sub we have ever had, but you are definitely the most interesting.”-fifth grader

Many kids tell me everyday that I am the best substitute they have ever had, and some tell me that I am their favorite teacher period (I am actually surprised by that one, after only one day of having me). Students say hi to me in the hallways and outside the school. I have even had several kids in my own neighborhood say hi because they remembered me from school. My hope is that they like me because they can tell that I actually care about them, but I'll settle for being the awesome soldier if I have to.

“Not you again! You didn't let me chase after the ice cream truck!” -11^th grade boy said this to me today

Area 51

I had a seventh grade science class and as I normally do, I introduced myself and told the class how I am in the Army National Guard. They of course thought that was pretty cool, but one odd boy asked me if I knew anything about Area 51 (since I am in the military, I guess I am supposed to know that sort of thing?). Even though I was not expecting that sort of question, I am usually quick on my feet, so I immediately put on a very sombre face and said in my most serious voice, “I cannot confirm or deny the existence of Area 51.” He kept prodding for more information, but I just said the same thing again and he stopped asking. Well about a month later, I was teaching art class at the same school and I had the same kid again ask me if I knew anything about Area 51. I looked at him stone-faced (remembering at this point that I was asked that same question most likely by the same student a month prior) and said, “I cannot confirm or deny the existence of Area 51.” The kid got really excited and started screaming, “He knows, He knows, and he's not telling us!!!” I kept a straight face, but once class was over and the students had left, I bursted into laughter. Truly one of my favorites.

Throwing Rocks at the Teacher

Today, I subbed for a 6th grade English class. The students had this prompt for bell-work:

If I had one hundred: _______________ , then I would ____________________.

The first girl I called on to share hers with the class said, "If I had 100 Mr. Millers, I would line them up and throw rocks at them!"

King Miller

My typical substitute teach alias is "Mr. Miller." My normal routine is to greet the kids as they come in with a smile and tell them good morning. Once everyone is in the room, I tell them they can call me Mr. Miller. Usually this is all they need to know to start addressing me by that title, but my first time teaching the third grade, they kept calling me Miss Miller, and it started to irritate me, so I reminded them that my name was Mister Miller, and made a side comment that they could even call me King Miller, just as long as they didn't call me Miss. Well for some reason, King Miller stuck. The rest of the day, that was my name. 

"King Miller, can I go to the bathroom?" 

"King Miller, can I borrow a piece of tape?" 

"King Miller, Emma hit me in the face with her math book"

At first, I thought it was pretty funny, then it started to feel very nice, almost like I was royalty. After all the months of subbing, I was finally being given the respect that I deserved...

I have never been able to get a class to call me King Miller again, but the memory of that day still brings a smile to my face.

The Apology

I find it incredibly funny that there are some students that take on the guilt of the whole class on themselves and it eats them alive. I know this because at least five separate times, students have come up to me at the end of the class and have apologized for the behavior of the class (as if it were their fault). My first experience with this was a third grade girl my second week of subbing, but I have had high schoolers apologize too. In some ways, I enjoy the apology, because it proves that I am not crazy and the class actually was psycho. Even so, in the heat of the moment sometimes I just reply to the student "good" as if they owe me that apology (though it is never the really bad kids that apologize). Other times I thank them and tell them to have a good day. Being a sub can become stressful at times and a little apology here and there actual does make the world seem brighter.

The Kid Who Cried FART

As my first post in this new blog, I would like to share one of my favorite stories that has happened to me as a substitute teacher. I taught in a sixth grade class the other day and it was near the end of the day, during silent reading time. All the kids were sitting around the room, some on the floor, some at their desks, and a couple lucky ones were on the two class bean bag chairs. The majority of the kids were sitting there reading like they were supposed to, but there was a group of five boys that kept chatting it up in the back corner of the room. It was from this group of boys that a disturbing truth began to spread across the room: someone had farted! They started blaming each other until by some form of silent consensus, the group of boys turned on one of their own and all blamed the same boy. This boy started crying, so I went up to him to see what the problem was. He told me how all the boys were blaming him for the fart (which by the way had filled the room with its pungent perfume by this point). I told him that is was pretty obvious that someone had farted and that the kids were going to blame someone...

He stopped crying and the kids started blaming another boy (a sad attempt at showing mercy to the first boy). This seemed to resolve the issue.