Oops, Did I Say That?

Sometimes I wonder if the kids are even listening to me when I talk. I am pretty sure this is a common question in many teachers' heads. Luckily for me, all my doubts about how well my classes listen were proven wrong one day last month...

Sometimes, I say things to a class that a little off-the-wall. This particular day, I happened to insinuate to a class (fifth or sixth grade I think) that I lived at the nearby park with my wife and son. I believe my exact words were, "I am a hobo, and I live at Freedom Park down the street."

Now I am sure most kids knew I was joking, because they were laughing (which is the reason I said it), but about a month later, I was at that school again and walking a class down the hall, when a kid yelled at me from the end of the hall, "Hey! You're the guy that lives in the park!"
I smiled an waved, laughing to myself at how gullible kids are.

I guess I better be more careful in the future as to what I tell my classes...

What is the craziest thing you ever told a kid?

Recess Tetherball: We Meet Again!

When I was in elementary school, tetherball was my game. I played it everyday at recess and became quite good. I loved it so much that my parents put in a tetherball court in our backyard for my 13th birthday. All this to say that I am no amateur when it comes to the wonderful game of tetherball.

Yesterday, I took my third grade class out to recess and I was challenged by one of the little girls to a game of tetherball. I accepted, knowing that I would have to take it easy on the girl. After playing for a few minutes, I realized that if I did not step up my game, I was going to lose... quickly. So I let my notions of "taking it easy" go to the wind and I stepped up my game to a whole new level, holding nothing back. I hit the ball hard and used my height as an advantage (I was at least two feet taller than the little girl). The sad thing was that with all my advantages, it seemed that it was still a toss up as to who would win this game. I knew in my heart of hearts that I could not, under any circumstances, lose at MY game to a third grade little girl, so I gave it everything I had and finally hit the ball so hard and at the perfect angle to wrap around the pole high above the girl's reach. Perhaps this was a dirty way to win the game, but I had to do something; my honor was on the line. Right after I creamed the little girl, another girl challenged me to play against her. By this time, my energy was just about gone (apparently it takes a lot of talent to beat a kid in tetherball these days).  I told this new contender that I had to supervise the other kids at recess, so I wouldn't be able to play her. This quick thinking probably saved me from what could have been the most embarrassing moment of my life.


Share about a time you were beaten at your own game.

The British are coming! The British are coming!

Several months ago, I was subbing for seventh grade math. As I was passing out papers, a girl raised her hand and asked to go to the bathroom... in an English accent. I let her go, but while she was gone, I wondered if she had pulled a fast one on me and was not actually from England. Just in case, I listened to her the rest of the class and tried to catch her using the wrong accent, but her voice sounded just like the characters in Doctor Who, Robin Hood, Sherlock and Downton Abbey (all the BBC shows I watch), so by the end of the class I was convinced that she was in fact English. But then as she left, her charade fell to shreds as I overheard her talking to her friends in a normal American accent. I will admit that I had been fooled, but at the same time I was truly impressed that a 13 year old girl would have the guts to talk in a fake voice to a teacher, and that she got away with it.

Today, I was reminded of this story when a seventh grade girl at a different school was talking to me in an English accent. Don't worry, I was not fooled again. I just smiled to myself, knowing that she was a fraud, and that I knew her secret.

What was the craziest thing you ever said to a teacher?

Shame on you!

Today was a great day teaching sixth grade English. To start with, the writing prompt for the bellwork was “The car was speeding” and one student (who shared aloud to the class) ended up writing a basic plot line of the movie Back to the Future. I'm not sure whether to congratulate him or fail him for plagiarism. Either way, it was pretty funny.

Now most kids work on exactly what they are supposed to while having little conversations here and there and the occasional reminder from the teacher to get back on task. I do not mind this at all, but there is another type of student. This student sits there and talks and does not put one word on the assignment he or she is supposed to be working on. It just so happens that I had four of these students in my fifth hour today. When I realized 45 minutes into class that they had neglected to begin the worksheet, I announced to the class,

“For those of you who have nothing written down on your worksheet, shame on you... in fact, shame upon your families and shame upon your children and your children's children!”

One boy was a little shocked to hear that and started screaming “Whoa Whoa Whoa, you can't put shame on me!”

To which I cordially replied, “I'm just proclaiming the shame, you are the ones who brought it upon yourself. Now do your work.”

Welcome to Hell

I was subbing for senior English at the high school. I am not always sure where my inspiration comes from (perhaps too many caffeinated beverages), but this particular day, I was in the zone (you can decide if that is a good thing). I started my final class of the day with, “Hello, my name is Mr. Miller. Welcome to Hell” (completely stern face), then I cracked a smile and the whole class broke out in laughter. I handed out the assignment, which was a 50 question worksheet with questions about William Shakespeare. After awhile, students started asking me for answers to some of the questions they were having trouble with, and instead of just telling them that I was not allowed to give them the answers, I made up really absurd answers and announced them to the class. One question was, who was the greatest script writer of Shakespeare's day, and I told the class it was Walt Disney. I also announced to the class the answer to number 50, What is Iambic Pentameter? “A rare flesh eating disease.” I thought I was hilarious and then I realized that a number of the slacker students were writing down each thing I said as their answer. I decided not to let them in on the joke and have their teacher fill them in when he returned.

Quote of the day from today: “Wow Mr. Miller, you know everything!” - delusional 2^nd grader

Question of the Day:

What was the craziest thing a teacher ever did in one of your classes growing up?

A Whole Class Swearing at the Teacher

This one is a doozy! I was subbing for high school pottery class (not something I would recommend in retrospect), and it was second period and I was reading through the attendance lists for the rest of my classes for that day. At the start of every class period, I have to take attendance for the class by calling out each student's name. This would be fine, except that the names parents are giving kids these days are not always easy to pronounce. Therefore, a good look through early in the day gives me time to decide how I will read their name during roll call. Well as I read through the names for the classes after lunch, there was one name that I could not figure out what to do with, because everything I learned from school and Hooked on Phonics was telling me that the correct pronunciation of this young person's name sounded exactly like the F-word.  I texted several friends during lunch for advice on how to deal with the coming storm, and most of them just laughed in disbelief at how weird of a situation this was.  When it came to it, I decided that I could not read this name out loud. Not only is it against school rules for teachers to swear in class (let alone, the most offensive swear word there is in the English language- poor kid), but I also am very uncomfortable swearing in the first place. So when I came to this person on the roster, I said, "I'm probably going to butcher this pronunciation, so I'll just spell it out." Then all the kids in the class started saying things like, "Oh, that's F***"; "F***, F***, F***." and I really couldn't get them in trouble for saying someone's name, but it was very awkward for me. It ended up that the student was from another country where his name is quite common. Also, I found out later in the day, during a different class, that he went by Charles (funny how he neglected to mention that during class). If I have him in class again, I'm just going to say Charles.

Join this story by posting a comment of the most unusual name you have heard (in school or anywhere else that people with crazy names are traveling about). Post the name and where you met this person.

Funny Posters

For your Sunday viewing pleasure, I present to you some funny posters that I found on the wall of one of the high schools that I sub at.

The next two pictures are caricatures that two students made of their principles the day I subbed for an art class:  

How to be Cool in School

As a substitute teacher, I often am looking for ways to make the students in the class to like me (or perhaps to even begin to grasp the wonder of my greatness). The problem is that my main goal is always to maintain a disciplined class and follow the instructions left for me by the teacher. As you might think, these objectives butt heads with wanting to be the cool sub. After a month of being a sub, I hatched a plan that has brought me from being a sub that most kids like to being the:

“Best sub I have ever had in my life” -real student

Here is my ultimate get cool quick scheme: Almost every class I have at the elementary level (65% of all subbing I do is in elementary) has extra time in the day that the kids have nothing to do. This is due to the fact that you can't know exactly how long each lesson is going to take for a class, so teachers usually plan in some wiggle room. By the end of the day, I usually have anywhere from 5-20 minutes, so instead of just giving them extra time to read, I have started telling the class the story of my two times going through the gas chamber during Army training (the second time, I went in without a gas mask and did pushups). I can tell the story anywhere between five and 15 minutes, and it always gets an applause at the end and many hands raised to ask questions; though my favorite part of all is the look of awe on their faces, letting me know that they think I am one of the most interesting people they have ever met. In fact, a student told me several weeks ago,

“I'm not sure you are the best sub we have ever had, but you are definitely the most interesting.”-fifth grader

Many kids tell me everyday that I am the best substitute they have ever had, and some tell me that I am their favorite teacher period (I am actually surprised by that one, after only one day of having me). Students say hi to me in the hallways and outside the school. I have even had several kids in my own neighborhood say hi because they remembered me from school. My hope is that they like me because they can tell that I actually care about them, but I'll settle for being the awesome soldier if I have to.

“Not you again! You didn't let me chase after the ice cream truck!” -11^th grade boy said this to me today

Area 51

I had a seventh grade science class and as I normally do, I introduced myself and told the class how I am in the Army National Guard. They of course thought that was pretty cool, but one odd boy asked me if I knew anything about Area 51 (since I am in the military, I guess I am supposed to know that sort of thing?). Even though I was not expecting that sort of question, I am usually quick on my feet, so I immediately put on a very sombre face and said in my most serious voice, “I cannot confirm or deny the existence of Area 51.” He kept prodding for more information, but I just said the same thing again and he stopped asking. Well about a month later, I was teaching art class at the same school and I had the same kid again ask me if I knew anything about Area 51. I looked at him stone-faced (remembering at this point that I was asked that same question most likely by the same student a month prior) and said, “I cannot confirm or deny the existence of Area 51.” The kid got really excited and started screaming, “He knows, He knows, and he's not telling us!!!” I kept a straight face, but once class was over and the students had left, I bursted into laughter. Truly one of my favorites.

Throwing Rocks at the Teacher

Today, I subbed for a 6th grade English class. The students had this prompt for bell-work:

If I had one hundred: _______________ , then I would ____________________.

The first girl I called on to share hers with the class said, "If I had 100 Mr. Millers, I would line them up and throw rocks at them!"

King Miller

My typical substitute teach alias is "Mr. Miller." My normal routine is to greet the kids as they come in with a smile and tell them good morning. Once everyone is in the room, I tell them they can call me Mr. Miller. Usually this is all they need to know to start addressing me by that title, but my first time teaching the third grade, they kept calling me Miss Miller, and it started to irritate me, so I reminded them that my name was Mister Miller, and made a side comment that they could even call me King Miller, just as long as they didn't call me Miss. Well for some reason, King Miller stuck. The rest of the day, that was my name. 

"King Miller, can I go to the bathroom?" 

"King Miller, can I borrow a piece of tape?" 

"King Miller, Emma hit me in the face with her math book"

At first, I thought it was pretty funny, then it started to feel very nice, almost like I was royalty. After all the months of subbing, I was finally being given the respect that I deserved...

I have never been able to get a class to call me King Miller again, but the memory of that day still brings a smile to my face.

The Apology

I find it incredibly funny that there are some students that take on the guilt of the whole class on themselves and it eats them alive. I know this because at least five separate times, students have come up to me at the end of the class and have apologized for the behavior of the class (as if it were their fault). My first experience with this was a third grade girl my second week of subbing, but I have had high schoolers apologize too. In some ways, I enjoy the apology, because it proves that I am not crazy and the class actually was psycho. Even so, in the heat of the moment sometimes I just reply to the student "good" as if they owe me that apology (though it is never the really bad kids that apologize). Other times I thank them and tell them to have a good day. Being a sub can become stressful at times and a little apology here and there actual does make the world seem brighter.

The Kid Who Cried FART

As my first post in this new blog, I would like to share one of my favorite stories that has happened to me as a substitute teacher. I taught in a sixth grade class the other day and it was near the end of the day, during silent reading time. All the kids were sitting around the room, some on the floor, some at their desks, and a couple lucky ones were on the two class bean bag chairs. The majority of the kids were sitting there reading like they were supposed to, but there was a group of five boys that kept chatting it up in the back corner of the room. It was from this group of boys that a disturbing truth began to spread across the room: someone had farted! They started blaming each other until by some form of silent consensus, the group of boys turned on one of their own and all blamed the same boy. This boy started crying, so I went up to him to see what the problem was. He told me how all the boys were blaming him for the fart (which by the way had filled the room with its pungent perfume by this point). I told him that is was pretty obvious that someone had farted and that the kids were going to blame someone...

He stopped crying and the kids started blaming another boy (a sad attempt at showing mercy to the first boy). This seemed to resolve the issue.