Love at "First" Sight

A note that I intercepted from a first grade boy addressed to a girl in his class.

Happy Valentines Day

Farts and Frogs

I am not sure what they are teaching first graders these days, but I know it is not the basic common sense things that they should be learning. I have two examples of the complete lack of common sense in these younger grades.

First, I had to teach a group of first grade girls an incredibly important lesson. It all started when one girl accidentally farted and the whole group (including the guilty party) began laughing uncontrollably. The one who dealt it, decided that she wanted to make everyone laugh again so she started trying to fart, and the other girls in the group were trying to push a fart out as well, because of course they wanted to be funny too. As any sane person could see, this was not headed in a good direction. I kindly explained to the group of first grade girls that they should not try to push a fart out because sometimes poop comes out instead. They were shocked and gave me one of those looks, like I had just opened their eyes to a world they never knew existed. Thankfully after that revelation, they ceased fire on the fart front and went on to another activity.

The second instance of a lack of social etiquette involves a scene that I walked past in the hallway yesterday. A teacher had taken a little boy out of class and was chewing him out screaming,

“Why were you crawling around the room like a frog?!! I don't care what you do at home, but when you are here you will follow along with the lesson.”

What advice would I give to this kid: push a fart out quick and use the distraction to hop to safety!

Apparently I'm a sub for the Air Force...

I was not sure what to expect when I showed up to the local high school this morning to sub for Air Force JROTC (Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps). Having never been in the Air Force, I was not sure how well I would be to instruct this different class.

When the kids came in, I was happily surprised. The "class leadership" (kids who were in charge) started taking roll, got the class completely quiet and then turned it over to me. I have actually never seen more responsible teenagers. As a group, each class was very well disciplined and they kept each other in line, doing what they were supposed to. When I spoke, they did not make a peep. When they asked to go to the restroom they stood at attention and said "Sir, may I use the restroom."

I was sure that I had stepped into some weird version of The Twilight Zone. Kids, just are not that well behaved in school... at least not the normal kids I teach. Perhaps the JROTC teacher should be giving classroom management seminars to the rest of the teachers in the district. My favorite part of the day was when a whole platoon standing in formation saluted me. That is definitely a first for me as a sub.

A First Grade Surprise

Against my better judgement, I subbed for the first grade today  (as a favor to a friend). I had subbed for this same class last semester and a kid stole my candy bar off my desk and I found it later, slightly opened in his book box, so I may have been holding a little grudge against the class. Thankfully the class was on extra good behavior today which made the day amazing, but that isn't much to blog about. 

Here are the two blog-worthy things that happened today. 

1) A kid asking to go to the bathroom shortly after the class bathroom break said this:

"When we went to the bathroom it wouldn't come out, but now it needs to come out!"

2) I found this note on the floor of the class. A note from one of the little boys to another boy... pretty funny! 

Swearing at a Class of 4th Graders

Let me begin by saying that it takes a very patient person to be a substitute teacher. Without this quality, bad things would happen. For instance, when I was subbing for the 4th grade this week, the kids told me some very disturbing news. They said that their last sub got so angry that he was shouting swear words at them. One brave girl, told the principal. The principal promptly fired the mean sub and all the children lived happily ever after (remember this was told to me by the 4th grader). I was disappointed, but not surprised to hear that one of my colleagues lost it in front of the class. It is definitely hard to keep your cool in many situations that come up as a sub, but the minute you cross the line and start swearing at a class, you will never recover.

I told the class that I was sorry they had to go through that experience and that I would show them complete respect all day long. Now, this was the class that drove the other sub over the line, so I was expecting a hard day. The kids were overly chatty and at times psycho, so I ended up having to write seven kids' names down for the teacher, who I later found out gave those students recess detention for the entire next week. But, never once did I lose my temper. What is the secret, you might ask. Whenever I start to get stressed out, I take a step back and take in a deep breath and breathe out all my troubles, telling myself that I just need to get to the end of the day and it will all be over. Most days are great, but every once and awhile, I get a bad class, so I am on my guard to not lose it and be the next teacher to get fired for swearing at the class.

Marketing and Adultery

Several weeks ago, I had the most unusual conversation with a marketing student at the high school I was subbing at. Mark was a junior, 4.0 GPA, and already had his life planned out. He told me that he planned on earning a degree in business and becoming very rich through the stock market. He also said that he wanted to get married in his early twenties and have a son that he would name after himself. Then, after being married for five years or so, he would most likely get bored with being married and his wife would always be nagging him, and so he would have to have an affair with another women. He told me that it would probably be with his secretary or an intern, but if that didn't work out, he would go to a prostitute.

I was sitting there in shock as he told me his plans for the future. I asked him if he even had a moral compass, knowing right from wrong. He assured me that he did, but he could turn it off when he wanted to in order to do what he wanted. I told him that his wife would leave him, but he didn't seem to mind. He liked the idea of being single with a son. I told him he was crazy if he thought his son would want to live with him after he cheated on his wife. I gave him many more reasons as to why his plans for adultery were gearing him up to be a failure at life, but I never felt like I got through to him. Sadly, I believe he was very serious about his plans, and I fear he will do much more damage to the world (through seeking money and sex) instead of making it a better place.

First is the Worst!

I have had two near death experiences in my life and both happened in the past 2 months and both were in a first grade classroom. I do not believe that all first grade classes are inherently full of evil little monsters. My guess is the majority of the classes are, but there are always exceptions to the rule.

Perhaps near death was a bit extreme of a description, but after a day subbing for these classes, I felt like dying (anything to never have to step foot in either of those classrooms again).

The thing that first graders tend to do is not listen to their teacher at all. I know this because in two different first grade classes in two different schools, the same psycho kids showed up to class. The first class was like being in a barnyard. In fact, since one kid actually did poop his pants that day, so it smelled like a barnyard too! Neither class showed any semblance of kindness to their peers, and I had to break up countless verbal and physical fights. I had kids throwing handfuls of pencils at other kids, many many many crying children.

A lot more happened, including the principal coming into the class to scold them on how disappointed she was in them and how they let down the school as a whole. The main point is that first graders can be evil. Watch your back America!

I'm subbing in first grade on Monday (but it is a friend of mine's class, and the kids aren't so bad). Wish me luck!